Polar Bears
A form of bear, these creatures were turned beige after Stephen Colbert's great, great, great, great, grandfather spilled bleach on them.. After this incident, they migrated to the polar ice caps, embarrassed by their new appearance, and thus earned their title of 'Polar'. They attempt to restore brownish color to their coats by excreting wastes on themselves. Unlike other branches of bears, polar bears are not godless killing machines-- rather, they are agnostic killing machines; they might be godless, they just aren't quite sure. Abilities of the Polar Bear The key special ability that polar bears have is their tolerance for cold. They are able to tolerate temperatures as cold as -1000 degrees while still butt-naked. It is also rumored that they have the ability to read minds and may possess some telepathic abilities that they acquired from an ancient polar bear known as Minty. They use their telepathic abilities to move inanimate objects around and hurl them directly at you when in a fight! Polar bears have somewhat poor eyesight, so they use their mind reading abilities to determine where you are. They blend in frighteningly well to their arctic environment, so one may jump out at any time and start urinating on an American Flag or something equally horrible, such as clubbing baby seals, or voting Democrat (Alaska only). Ursologists have long suspected that polar bears are capable of surviving solely on coca-cola for months at a time, based on informational commercials that have been aired at various times on television. Areas of Population Polar bears mainly populate the Arctic and Antarctic areas of the world. These are ideal areas for them since the intense cold weather keeps us out of there, unless we wear some protective clothing, but even then it's dangerous. That's why we formed an alliance with the only other creature that has as much tolerance for cold as polar bears. That's right, penguins. We formed an alliance with the penguins in late December in 1847. They have been keeping track of the polar bears ever since. But, penguins are unable to move out from these cold areas since while they are able to tolerate extreme cold, they are unable to tolerate warmer climates; which polar bears are able to tolerate. So, we send out our best and bravest members of the Colbert National Guard reconnaissance division to keep track of their movements. That is how we have been keeping track of the Colbear moving slowly down from Antarctica to South Dakota.Thankfully the penguins have removed polar bears using their pen-fu (penguin kung-fu)and are leading in the fight against bear kind. Polar Leaders or just distant cousins.]] Recently, the Colbear took main leadership over the polar bears for a few months, supposedly devising his plan for the Bear uprising of 2012 with several of the remaining of his top 10 terrorist bear leaders. Otherwise, the main leader of the polar bears of the Antarctic is a polar bear codenamed Ice 9, who is one of the top ten bear terrorist leaders and who is also accompanied by another top ten terrorist bear leader codenamed Cool #9. Corporate Ties The polar bears has corporate ties with the Coke company. Aside from secretly having controlling shares in the Coke company, the polar bears is also the inactive mascot of Coke. Rumor has it that they became inactive because their plot to secretly add cocaine to Coke was revealed and so their status was changed as a plea deal. The polar bears has cultural ties with Santa. In fact it is the Polar Bears and the Coke Company's Haddon Sundblom who convinced Santa of Atheism during the 1930's--forever changing Santa from an eco-hippie wearing a Green suit to a godless-commie wearing a Red suit. http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/11/14/article-1329700-0C12CB21000005DC-165_634x894.jpg See also External Tubes *[http://www.flickr.com/photos/alberta_oil_tar_sands_arctic_front_polar_bears_desmogblog/2284234763/ Do not, I repeat, do not check out this picture] *Polar Bear invades America